


Hella

by PinkToby



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Slang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 19:32:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1359244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkToby/pseuds/PinkToby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, and (mostly) modern American slang terms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hella

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty, this tender little morsel of crack fic is something I spent like no time on. 
> 
> All definitions are from Urban Dictionary.

“Will,” Hannibal said, opening his desk drawer and taking out a sizable stack of white index cards. “I don’t mean to impose upon you during our therapy time, but I would really like your assistance regarding a certain matter.”

“Uh, sure, Doctor Lecter.” Will took another sip of his wine—a lovely Merlot this evening—and straightened up in his chair. “As long as it’s not another grisly crime scene, I believe I can handle just about anything you throw my way.”

“I assure you, there is no death involved in this task…minus the death of the English language, that is.” Hannibal made his way back across the room with ease, index cards in hand, and held them out to Will.

“I can only imagine what you mean by that…” Will set his wine glass on the glass-top end table to his right before reaching to take the proffered stack, “And these are?”

“Flashcards.” Hannibal sat back down across from Will, crossing one leg over the other, “As a psychiatrist, I see many patients from various backgrounds and stages of life. In order to better understand my adolescent patients, I try to stay in-the-know, if you will, especially when it comes to colloquialisms or ‘slang’ terms. It’s particularly tiresome having to ask a patient to define a word every few minutes.”

"You want me to quiz you?”

“Indeed.”

“Alright then, let’s see what we’ve got here…” Will made a show of shuffling the cards for a moment—and not dropping them, miraculously—before reading the first one aloud. “’Kay, what does _hella_ mean? Oh, and, uh, use it in a sentence.”

“ _Hella_ is an adjective meaning ‘very’ or ‘really.’” Only after Will nodded did Hannibal continue. “As for a sentence: Will, I believe that you are _hella_ overworked and need to learn how to say ‘no’ to Jack Crawford.”

“Oh, so _that’s_ how this is gonna go—you’re using slang to get me to talk about my feelings. Try to convince me that you’re one of the _cool guys_ so I open up more?”

“Yes and no,” Hannibal replied, taking a quick sip from his glass, “Mostly, I thought this would be an amusing way to get the conversation flowing, and perhaps make you feel more relaxed.”

“Well, the joke’s on you, Doctor Lecter,” Will huffed, “I don’t know what any of these words even _mean_ , so it’s not going to make me feel relaxed.”

“Then it shall simply be a learning experience for us both.”

“Yeah, whatever you say, Doctor.” Will inhaled a deep breath and read the next flawlessly hand-written word. “Same deal as before, but this time the word is… _bae?_ ”

“ _Bae_ is the shortened form of ‘before anyone else,’ but is also used as a term of endearment. You wanted Alana Bloom to be your _bae_ , but she rejected you because you are too unstable.”

“Yeah, that’s correct, but do you have to be so harsh about it?” Will’s cheeks reddened in shame. That certainly wasn’t one of his best moments.

“I would rather get to the point instead of dancing around the issue, so, yes, I _do_ have to be blunt. You react best that way. Now, onto the next one, if you please.”

“Fine. Uh…” Will flipped through the cards again, unfamiliar word after unfamiliar word, until one particular gem came into view. “ _Jive turkey?_ Really? Don’t tell me there’s somebody going around saying ‘ _jive turkey_ ’ like it’s still the ‘60s?”

“You’d be surprised at the things I hear, dear Will. And, a _jive turkey_ is an individual who is arrogant, foolish, and exaggerates the truth. Doctor Chilton once told me that he is the best psychiatrist and, seeing that he is _not_ , I came to the conclusion that he is a _jive turkey_.” Hannibal gave a small chuckle, “I included this particular term because the first time a patient used it, I thought he was talking about ‘ _chive_ turkey’ and I felt compelled to give him a few tips on making sure the bird is fully cooked-through.”

Will flat-out laughed at that one, because hearing about _the great, almighty Doctor Lecter_ making a mistake for once in his life was simply too outlandish for him to comprehend. Hannibal joined in briefly before finishing up his glass of wine and moving to refill it. For good measure, he refilled Will’s glass too, although the other man was far too engrossed in Hannibal’s flashcards to notice.

“Okay, okay, time for a more challenging one. Tell me, Doctor Lecter, what do I mean when I say that something is _tore up from the floor up_?”

“Oh my, that _is_ quite a challenge.” Hannibal sat back down in his chair and swirled the fresh, deep burgundy liquid in his glass, deep in thought. “You shall have to give me a moment…”

“Ah, have I managed to finally stump the omniscient Doctor Lecter? And only three cards in, to boot! I feel like I should get a medal to commemorate this great achievement…”

“Not so fast, William. I find it quite _tore up from the floor up_ —meaning outlandish, or ‘messed up’ if you will—that you think I’d give up so easily.”

“Showoff.” Will took a swig of wine then, frustrated by Hannibal’s apparent _inability to fail at anything_. “Do you even need my help with these, or are you just screwing with me?”

“Are you intimidated by my _cray-cray_ amount of _swag_ , Will?”

“What, I— _excuse me_?”

Hannibal smirked and cleaned closer, as if very concerned.

“There’s no reason to accuse me of being _ratchet_. I find it a complete and utter _bummer_ that you would think of me as some kind of _lame-ass dork_.”

Will frantically searched through the hefty stack of index cards, but there were just _too many_ _terms_ to keep up with. And, to his dismay, Hannibal showed no sign of stopping anytime soon.

“ _Lighten up_ , _broski_. There’s more to me than these _killer threads_ and my _mad_ cooking skills. I am a _righteous dude_.”

“Uh, okay…” Will sets the index cards back down on the table and indulges in a large gulp of wine, propriety be damned.

“If you’re trying to _get turnt,_ Will, then I suggest partaking in something with more alcohol content. I can make a _wicked_ _bodacious_ cocktail, you know.”

“Uh, I, uh…” Will stood up, eyes darting around the room, “I-I think I better go. Uh. Dogs to feed. It’s, uh, it’s gotten hella late—I mean, it’s gotten late, and I… Yeah, I’m just gonna-“

“Very well, then.” Hannibal smiled—he had won this strange little game, and it had been a most enjoyable experience. Perhaps he would repeat it again sometime… For now, though, he was content to stand and walk a very confused Will Graham to the door.

“Uh, good night, Doctor Lecter. I’ll, um, I’ll see you…I-I’ll see you around.”

“Indeed. Good night to you too, Will.” Will acknowledged him with a nod before briskly exiting the room. “Oh, and Will?”

The younger man stopped immediately, head snapping around to look back at his therapist.

“Remember to _keep it real_.”

Hannibal couldn’t help but smile when Will sighed and stormed out the door.      

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you have it. Drop me a line if you want, either in the comments or at mean-cannibals.tumblr.com! <3


End file.
